“If we are to go forward, we must go back and rediscover those precious values – that all reality hinges on moral foundations and that all reality has spiritual control.” (Martin Luther King)
It seems that the great majority of people define ethics as those good or bad things that we are supposed or not supposed to do. Society has set a frame to guide us – rules, laws, norms and so forth – but every one of us have a personal set of values that drive our lives. “The values by which we are to survive are not rules for just and unjust conduct, but are those deeper illuminations in whose light justice and injustice, good and evil, means and ends are seen in fearful sharpness of outline.”(Jacob Bronowski) The development of personal values comes through a variety of sources such as family and friends, education, life experiences, but first of all values are linked to our identity. They are what we are. Values are the supporting framework of our beliefs. They control our principles and ways of action in our everyday life, even if we do not know it!
Did you ever feel that something is wrong or have you ever chosen an option easily just because you felt that was the right one? In connection to coaching, some of us would call that “instinct”. It is an unknown force that drives us to the right decision. One theory of mine is that instinct is connected to our deep inside values and that instinct shows us the sign of balance in everyday situations that do not seem to function on rational basis.
In this essay, I will use my coaching experiences – both as a client and a coach – in order to emphasize how the awareness of the values that lie inside ourselves can help us gain a more balanced life, by giving us the motivating force to move forward. “Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one’s values.” (Ayn Rand)
Values are connected to our emotions and drive our behavior. I strongly honor honesty, so if somebody tells me a lie I instinctively become furious about it and I prefer to step aside. If you honor confidence, you would probably be disappointed by a friend that loves to gossip to everybody and stop telling him or her about yourself.
Values –> Emotions –> Action
Why is important to discover the values that drive us?
I was once coaching one of my clients on carrier issues. She told me that she was very unsatisfied with her job and that it was because of the relation with her “stupid” and demanding boss. I listened to her complaining for a while (actually, it was a long time I guessJ ) and then stopped her and asked: “What is really important to you when you have the perfect job?” My question surprised her; she had a sigh, a long pause and then started crying like a child. She looked different when we finished our session. She told me she realized that what was missing here was not because of her boss, but because of her need to be recognized as a professional and that her expertise wasn’t helping her to do that in her present job, so she started looking for options to change that new situation.
In this example, we started with negative emotions, searched for values, then came back to action, and built an action plan.
Conflict with our values causes negative emotions like stress, loss, sadness, fury, anger, disappointment and so on. Getting in line with our values makes life flow more easily.
I had a similar experience to use my own system of values when I had to prioritize between two actions that I both wanted to take. It concluded it was not possible for me to start them both and I wanted, at the beginning of my coaching session as a client, to find that way to make them work together. My coach asked me the magic question “What is really important to you?” and that helped me find out that the achievement of one of my goals was critically important to my personal satisfaction and the other one could have been easily postponed.
In this example, we started with action, searched for values, and checked the feelings that were linked to the achievement of the goals and then came back to action and built the action plan.
Values help us make choices. “It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.” (Roy Disney)
Besides this idea, I would like to add that discovering that one of the goals was aligned with one of my leading values gave me the necessary force to take action. It is known that values increase motivation and act like a catalyst to goal achievement.
As coaches, I believe that discovering, understanding and accepting our clients’s values is one of the most demanding challenges. We need to accept diversity with no judgement. ”Whatever is at the center of our life will be the source of our security, guidance, wisdom, and power.”(Stephen Covey) Understanding the role of knowing my own system of values first as an individual and then as a coach, I will assist my clients to discover their own system of values. Values elicitation should be one of the very first steps in the coaching relationship.
Further on, we raise their awareness of where they are now in relation to their values, help them set their goals in a way that expresses their values and, on their way to the top, get in touch with them as much as they can. I know that living my values, especially the core values (those values that are representative to all aspects of one’s life) and achieving goals that live my values give me the most fulfiling experiences.
“As you live your values, your sense of identity, integrity, control, and inner-directedness will infuse you with both exhilaration and peace. You will define yourself from within, rather than by people’s opinions or by comparisons to others.” (Stephen Covey)