“If we are to go forward, we must go back and rediscover those precious values – that all reality hinges on moral foundations and that all reality has spiritual control.” (Martin Luther King)

It seems that the great majority of people define ethics as those good or bad things that we are supposed or not supposed to do. Society has set a frame to guide us – rules, laws, norms and so forth – but every one of us have a personal set of values that drive our lives. “The values by which we are to survive are not rules for just and unjust conduct, but are those deeper illuminations in whose light justice and injustice, good and evil, means and ends are seen in fearful sharpness of outline.”(Jacob Bronowski) The development of personal values comes through a variety of sources such as family and friends, education, life experiences, but first of all values are linked to our identity. They are what we are. Values are the supporting framework of our beliefs. They control our principles and ways of action in our everyday life, even if we do not know it!

Did you ever feel that something is wrong or have you ever chosen an option easily just because you felt that was the right one? In connection to coaching, some of us would call that “instinct”. It is an unknown force that drives us to the right decision. One theory of mine is that instinct is connected to our deep inside values and that instinct shows us the sign of balance in everyday situations that do not seem to function on rational basis.

In this essay, I will use my coaching experiences – both as a client and a coach – in order to emphasize how the awareness of the values that lie inside ourselves can help us gain a more balanced life, by giving us the motivating force to move forward. “Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one’s values.” (Ayn Rand)

Values are connected to our emotions and drive our behavior. I strongly honor honesty, so if somebody tells me a lie I instinctively become furious about it and I prefer to step aside. If you honor confidence, you would probably be disappointed by a friend that loves to gossip to everybody and stop telling him or her about yourself.

Values –> Emotions –> Action

Why is important to discover the values that drive us?

I was once coaching one of my clients on carrier issues. She told me that she was very unsatisfied with her job and that it was because of the relation with her “stupid” and demanding boss. I listened to her complaining for a while (actually, it was a long time I guessJ ) and then stopped her and asked: “What is really important to you when you have the perfect job?” My question surprised her; she had a sigh, a long pause and then started crying like a child. She looked different when we finished our session. She told me she realized that what was missing here was not because of her boss, but because of her need to be recognized as a professional and that her expertise wasn’t helping her to do that in her present job, so she started looking for options to change that new situation.

In this example, we started with negative emotions, searched for values, then came back to action, and built an action plan.

Conflict with our values causes negative emotions like stress, loss, sadness, fury, anger, disappointment and so on. Getting in line with our values makes life flow more easily.

I had a similar experience to use my own system of values when I had to prioritize between two actions that I both wanted to take. It concluded it was not possible for me to start them both and I wanted, at the beginning of my coaching session as a client, to find that way to make them work together. My coach asked me the magic question “What is really important to you?” and that helped me find out that the achievement of one of my goals was critically important to my personal satisfaction and the other one could have been easily postponed.

In this example, we started with action, searched for values, and checked the feelings that were linked to the achievement of the goals and then came back to action and built the action plan.

Values help us make choices. “It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.” (Roy Disney)

Besides this idea, I would like to add that discovering that one of the goals was aligned with one of my leading values gave me the necessary force to take action.  It is known that values increase motivation and act like a catalyst to goal achievement.

As coaches, I believe that discovering, understanding and accepting our clients’s values is one of the most demanding challenges. We need to accept diversity with no judgement.   ”Whatever is at the center of our life will be the source of our security, guidance, wisdom, and power.”(Stephen Covey)  Understanding the role of knowing my own system of values first as an individual and then as a coach, I will assist my clients to discover their own system of values. Values elicitation should be one of the very first steps in the coaching relationship.

Further on, we raise their awareness of where they are now in relation to their values, help them set their goals in a way that expresses their values and, on their way to the top, get in touch with them as much as they can.  I know that living my values, especially the core values (those values that are representative to all aspects of one’s life)  and achieving goals that live my values give me the most fulfiling experiences.

 “As you live your values, your sense of identity, integrity, control, and inner-directedness will infuse you with both exhilaration and peace. You will define yourself from within, rather than by people’s opinions or by comparisons to others.” (Stephen Covey)

We are born believing. A human being bears beliefs and lives beliefs. 

We tend to conclude using our senses to check the environment, referring to our (or other’s) past similar experiences, leaning on somebody else’s “shoulder” (parents and grandparents, teachers or mentors, those people we trust or respect) and taking as granted their words of wisdom.

Beliefs are sensors that stop us to fail, to get hurt, to make fool of ourselves. They come from the fact that we (or others) have experienced the same and got a certain, repeated result. We don’t touch fire because we know it burns. Nevertheless, our own beliefs are powerful limitations to move forward and barriers that we unconsciously build in order to argue for our failures.

In this essay, I will use mine and others personal experiences in order to emphasize how the discovery and overcoming of the limiting beliefs can change our attitude and make us more powerful in our lives.

 “A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses; it is an idea that possesses the mind.” (Robert Oxton Bolt) A belief is the acceptance of something as true, or thinking that something could be true.

Most of our influential beliefs are outside our conscious awareness and as a result, they drive our daily thoughts, perceptions and actions.

Did you ever hear somebody saying a stupid thing and surprised yourself actually believing it for a moment? What happened next? Write down your answers before you go on reading.

These are the most common responses: “How stupid I was to believe that!”/ ”This can’t be true.”/ “This can’t be possible.”/ ”What a joke!:)”

Most of the time, when our mind is free of any barriers, we think like children. We take things as granted, we believe in them, we let ourselves dream, even just for a second and enjoy them. Remember when you were a little child – most of the things that your parents told you were taken by granted. Did you believe in Santa Clause?

“Now I want you to do a little exercise. Look around the room you’re in, and take a few seconds to notice all the items that are red. Do not read until you have done this.

How many green items did you notice? But you asked me to look for red, I hear you say! The point I am making is that if you focus on red, you won’t notice the green!” (Claus, pg.19) Imagine red is the evidence to support one of your beliefs and green is the evidence that overcomes your belief.

We are in continuous search for validating our beliefs, striving for evidence and ignoring the facts that support the contrary. It is a natural, proved tendency of ours as human beings.

Let’s have another example from our everyday life. Did you ever hear somebody suspecting his/her spouse of cheating on her/him? What do you think is the first thing she/he is doing? She/he will be probably gathering evidence to support her/his suspicion and more than that, misinterpreting things in order to support her/his belief.

Expanding our beliefs system is not a pro-active action because it impacts on our so called “comfort zone”. But widening our beliefs system is surely a first step to liberate our mind, shape our actions and get more out of our lives.

“We would accomplish many more things if we did not think of them as impossible.”(Chretien Malesherbes)

World records are always impressive accomplishments. The top accolade in the women’s 200-meter individual medley went Australian Stephanie Rice, whose world record of  2:08.45 minutes edged Kirsty Coventry of Zimbabwe this year in Beijing. “The last 50 [meter] was a great challenge. I mean, we were both battling it out.  And that is sort of what the Olympics are all about.  It is about the challenge.  I was trying not to look over because I knew she was right there.  I just tried to close my eyes and concentrate on all the hard [practice] sessions we have done.  And really just focus on my own race.”, Rice said.

What do you think about her belief in being possible to succeed?

Let us get back to the fact that fire burns. It is undoubtedly. However, many people are known for walking on fire without burning their feet or hurting themselves. Is that a miracle? If not (and most of us don’t believe in miraclesJ), then what is it about? Is a “list of factors that act together to prevent the foot from burning” enough for us all to do that now without fear or doubt?

The world records, inventions and great things achieved by humans are a result of trust, desire and commitment to action. They have a common source: strong and positive beliefs.

Let’s now get back to Santa Clause. We all know Santa doesn’t exist, but we can’t deny that we all got the presents (or most of the presents) we asked Santa for…

Where do beliefs fall in the pattern of human behavior? What is the impact of beliefs on our achievements?

KNOWLEDGE+EDUCATION -> PARADIGM -> PERSONAL BELIEFS -> ATTITUDE -> FEELINGS -> ACTION -> RESULTS

This is a cascading pattern; each one is determining the next. Therefore, in order to change the outcome, we must change the pattern.

Are we aware that we sabotage opportunities to achieve our goals? We all have something that is holding us back. Over the years, I’ve heard myriad excuses from people for not putting themselves in situations that could move them forward. “I do not/did not have/had enough time”, “I’m not (too) good at…”, “I will probably be boring” “Whatever I do, it’s not going to change their mind/opinion on…”, “People are bad”, “Investors are not interested in such things”, “Women are only interested in men of success”, “This is my manager’s job, not mine” etc. Does it sound familiar to you?

What’s holding you back? It’s worth looking at what you have done or currently doing to prevent yourself from achieving your goal(s). It is said that we cannot discover oceans until we have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

Limiting beliefs stop us to dream, to hope for, to want, to figure out the way forward, to try, to go on when we fail. It’s as we want to keep something in our lives in order to have what to blame for our own failure. Limiting beliefs make us feel less guilty and less responsible. In the same way that we blame others for our own frustrations, stagnation or inaction. It is the less painful way to live with, instead of looking at our lives and deciding what we can do.

“Process coaching helps clients develop the capacity to be with conditions they have been denying or avoiding.”“They don’t realize what it costs them to cut out […] parts of their lives.” (Witworth, pg.168) Our responsibility as coaches is helping clients discover what is true, real and important to them. In order to change the human behavior pattern we help them to stop pretending, avoiding or/and denying. We assist them to connect beliefs with achievements. We help them to take the best decisions and actions to change and fulfill their lives.

People and society are oblivious to the fact that you can’t change others unless they want to change themselves. I believe that you cannot change others unless you appreciate what they are first and believe they are naturally creative, resourceful and whole. In the same time, “you cannot lead anyone else further than you have gone yourself.”(Gene Mauch)

“We are what we believe we are.”(Benjamin N. Cardozo)

Ma cutreier cum n-am facut-o niciodata pana acum, apoi ma intreb de ce ma cutreier, de ce n-am facut-o pana acum, cine sunt, cine vreau sa fiu, cine as putea fi, cine n-as putea fi… Ce s-ar fi intamplat daca, pana la varsta de 30 de ani, ma intrebam continuu, cu semnul intrebarii cocarjat iesind ca dintr-un tun, cu semnul exclamarii gonind nebun sa-l prinda din urma ?!

Mi-am lipit de oglinda, mi-am postat pe monitor, mi-am agatat INTREBAREA sub magnetul cel mai oaches de pe frigiderul din bucatarie. Asa, traind o saptamana cu intrebarea in sange, respirand-o, mestecand-o la fiecare pas, stiu ca nu voi lasa nimic sa-mi scape, nici o clipa de libertate a gandirii sa zboare in directii neproductive. Dorind sa aflu raspunsul magic, raspunsul care sa ma implineasca, am descoperit o paleta colorata de idei, nebune si toate ale mele. Pe care le pot expanda si in care pot cotrobai cu blandete ori de cate ori mi se face dor de mine.

Care este intrebarea care ma va misca inainte?

Nu este niciodata tarziu pentru vremea intrebarilor.